Day 1

July 1, 2020 – My Amazing Aaron the day is drawing nearer – the worst day imaginable. When I feel like I can’t go on I think of all the other parents I have met over the past four years and tell myself they are doing this so you have to as well. They are much stronger than I am but I look to them for guidance and keep going so I can say your name every day. I started a new job and most of the people that I work with don’t know or at least I think they don’t. I have told a few now and I even debated about saying anything – not because I don’t want to say your name or that I am ashamed – more because I am tired of you being dead every day. Maybe in some ways when I am there I am able to pretend but I knew as the 10th got closer it was going to be harder to pretend. I still can’t speak about you without crying I guess it will always be like that and that is OK. The memories fade and that is as bad as not hearing your voice. These three pictures are from 1996 – since you were born at the end of the year I also picked from 1997 and 1998. I remember looking at your after you were born and it felt so strange that I was holding you in my arms after carrying you for nine months. You were my little angel bear and I thought I would protect you your whole life and I failed. I am so grateful that I had you for the 19 years that I did but I know it was not enough and I will never be OK with it only being 19 years when you deserve to still be here. You were strong and brave and oh so amazing. I love you with all my heart always and forever no matter what my beautiful boy ❤️🦊