November 29,1996

November 29,1996 at 9:23 AM you came racing into this world with the nurses yelling at me not to push. I yelled back at them that I was not pushing and I seriously was not. You were in such a hurry to get here nothing was stopping you. It is the way you were – when you decided on something it was your whole focus. You should be 23 today – yet it is the fourth birthday in which we will honor you since you have been gone. It is why I no longer like birthdays because every year instead of celebrating your life we honor your memory. It is not the way it is supposed to be, however, it is what the reality is and for now that it where I live. Some days especially this month it has felt like the bubble is cracking. It is the only way I can describing how you continue on when your child dies. I guess my brain kind of pretends like you are not dead and that is how I function in the world. When the bubble cracks and the enormity of your death is at the front of my mind it brings me to my knees and I don’t feel I can be here another day. Then I think who will talk about you – who will tell your story and I start functioning (some days better than others) again. I miss you ever single day my beautiful boy. I love you with all my heart always and forever no matter what – I wish you were here for me to tell you that and to hold you in my arms – I would even rub your back without complaining… ❤️🦊

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